Here are some of my recent blog
entries. More at Joking Smoker and Hooked on Droid.
Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting
and Serving Size one bite
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Not much need be said about these two great photos. If
you really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs
you can order from
Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving
cool? QR codes on tombstones; Homer Simpson in the flesh
Thursday, September 29, 2011
In Japan, they are putting QR codes on tombstones at
cemeteries. That way, visitors to the grave can scan the
code with their Smartphone and see a picture of the
deceased, read a eulogy or even watch a video. I'd make
a video before I died of me inside of a coffin, still
alive, pounding to get out. And I'd make sure there was
a shovel nearby.
Homer in the flesh. Is
this disgusting or hilarious?
I'm thinking both.
Let me tell you what I think
about the cost of homes, lighting cigars, whether Google
makes you stupid and let's rethink ink
Monday, September 26, 2011
Random thoughts from a dime-a-dozen,
cheap, two-bit stand-up comic:
The "Fuck the Public" Effect
How is it that the cost of homes are low and everything else
is high? I believe it's the "fuck the public" effect.
Whichever way screws over the general population is how it
will go. Since people own homes, the value is so low that
they can't sell them. But if they need to buy something that
they do not yet own, it's outrageously expensive.
Maybe it's me!
I know I've probably given a not-so-great review to a cigar
or two because i didn't take care in lighting it. Then, I
complained that it didn't burn right. My bad.
I've noticed that if I'm outside in even a very mild breeze,
that my cigars do not burn nearly as well as if I fire them
up in my garage before stepping into the breeze.
For the best light us SST lighters, rotate above the flame
without puffing, then finally, slow steady draws as you
continue rotating. If you get a cigar lit properly and then
it burns poorly, now that's an issue.
People just don't think any more?
I disagree with those who say that Google is making people
stupid by giving them such easy access to so much
information. Game show superstar Ken Jennings said in the
recent Time Magazine interview that he's worried there's
less value placed on broad general knowledge because Google
is so readily available.
I think the opposite is true. People will now research and
learn about things that they never would have before because
the knowledge is right there at their fingertips. Thus,
making them smarter methinks.
So, shut up Mr. Jeopardy Smartie Pants.
Does ink stink?
I think the fact that many characters in movies who happen
to have the same tattoos as the actors playing them doesn't
work most of the time. If you know you're going to be
pretending to be someone else and there's a chance you may
take your clothes off, you might want to think twice before
having a giant picture of your mate tatooed to your ass.
How to impress strangers or maybe humiliate them for
If you're going out to dinner with someone you don't know
very well, or worse yet someone you don't like very much,
it's a good idea to do a little preparation so that you have
something to talk about.
For instance, if you know they're into sports, check out the
sports headlines and read a couple of articles. It may also
be a good idea to spend a half hour browsing the Yahoo News
web page. That way you'll know a little bit about everything
and will be able to chime in on most any topical
conversation. The economy, world news, pop culture, gossip.
And if, by chance, they don't bring up any of these topics,
you can do it and maybe make them look stupid which, when
you really don't like someone, is always fun.
Rock, Paper, Scissors online
Even though I thnk it's really cool that there is an online
version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I think it's weird that
the New York times is the one who created it.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
To paraphrase Frank Zappa's line about young people and
music: "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan wouldn't
know talent if it bit him in the ass. I know that they say
that he's just "playing the role" of the mean guy on the
American version of the show, but I wouldn't risk having the
whole world view me as an asshole just for the gig. Okay,
yes I would. But, still.
His inability to see the humor of the only two actual
comedians on the show (J. Chris Newburg and Geechy Guy)
should be indication enough that he has no business sitting
in the judges chair. The other judges liked them. The
audience was howling with laughter. And Piers had the
audacity to tell Geechy Guy that his jokes were like getting
hit in the head with a hammer. Maybe actually getting hit in
the head with a hammer would knock some sense into him.
I'm sure there are some defenders of his opinions. Every
once in a while I even agree with him. But his arrogant,
ill-informed opinions have repeatedly shown that he just
doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.
Take for instance when singer Taylor Davis made his final
appearance on August 2nd, Piers criticized him saying that
he was singing off-key. He was not singing off key. That was
verified by people who actually can tell if someone is
singing off key. Can't judge humor. Can't judge singers. And
why is he there?
Oh, maybe because he can judge novelty, dance and danger
acts? Nope. He sucks at that as well.
In the past two weekly opportunities to put through either
the number four or number five most voted-for contestants he
showed his incredible ineptness again. Last week, he chose
Professor Splash (the guy who dives into a small pool of
water) as the one to move on to the next round. Piers stated
that he put him through because he thought he had the best
chance to have a great show in Vegas. Really? REALLY? This
is the same guy who, after his last dive, had to be taken to
the hospital to be checked out and his body was covered in
bruises. And Piers thinks that he can do this multiple times
per day in Vegas? What are they going to do, add a hospital
wing onto the casino?
Then, last night (August 3rd), Piers had to decide between
comedian/impressionist Melissa Villasenor and juggler
Charles Peachock. Although Melissa had a very good first set
in the early going, it was pretty clear that she was new to
the business and doesn't really have all that much material.
Her first set included impressions of Kathy Griffin Miley
Cyrus and they were spot on, but she even indicated that
she's pretty much an open miker and I suspected that her
first spot exhausted her best material. She proved me right
with her last appearance which didn't have a lick of comedy
in it, and the impressions were only okay at best.
But, back to Piers Morgan. To further point out that he
really doesn't have a clue, he mildly admonished Melissa by
pointing out that she was much better in the Vegas round.
She wasn't even in Vegas. She was put right through to the
Hollywood round. Oops. Hey Piers, was that your Paula Abduhl
So again, it came down to Piers deciding between Melissa and
Charles as to who gets to move on (with one vote each from
Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne). Instead of choosing the
act who has exhibited three separate and somewhat amazing
juggling spectacles which looked very much like a Vegas act,
he chose the one with very little experience and even less
Please, NBC, get this dufus off the show. Let him go back to
CNN and his other show, where he exhibits that he's almost
as bad an interviewer as he is a judge.
Sorry, Piers, but you know what they say: Judge not, lest ye
So, here's what I think you should do: Go to the
NBC Wild Card page and click on Geechy Guy to return
to the show. He has "so many jokes it's not even funny" and
would bring actual comedy back to AGT.
Geechy Guy tells jokes. Piers Morgan is one.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Sometimes the funniest things aren't intended to be funny. In
this case, they're intended to be funny, yet they are mostly
funny in a totally different manner than intended.
may know, I have a number of web sites (Click On
Lunacy, Cell Phone
Reality TV, Dirty Joke
Show), most of them just an outlet for my desire to share
the stupid shit I think of or discover. Okay, they are also a
way to generate a little extra money with advertising revenue
and additional comedy gigs.
part of my webmaster duties, I research other websites (aka:
competitors) to see how their sites are doing, how my relevant
keywords compare to theirs and blah, blah, blah. On this
occasion I was comparing other sites to a joke page I created
hand-picked jokes directly from "The Dirty Joke Show"
starring Geechy Guy and appearing nightly at Hooters Casino in
Las Vegas (plug, plug).
researching the keywords "funny jokes" I came across a web site
that came up very high in the rankings even though the content
didn't actually qualify as "really funny jokes."
know any of this to be true, but I believe that the owner of
this site is in another country, let's say Indonesia. And he/she
has taken funny Indonesian jokes and translated them to English.
These "really funny jokes" were then posted on their web site
and promoted as a "really funny jokes" page. (Notice how I keep
repeating "really funny jokes?" That's so when others are
searching for "really funny jokes" they may find this blog page.
I'm such a whore.)
a few examples of the translated really funny jokes:
political man come in football final as a chief guest . when the
match ends then he said i m really unhappy to see the situation
both team players are running behind the one ball. give me votes
i will give separate separate football to every one. Nice Best
friends met together first said: once a time a horrible accident
was take place with me. lion was come in front of me and trying
to eat me,
second friend : then what you do?
first friend: i will go to other side from the cage of lion.
Marvelous Best Funny Joke!"
"mother to son: son what happened?
son : nothing mom a little injury takes on my finger.
mother: then why you don’t weep?
son: i thought that you are not at home.
Nice Best Funny Joke!"
[NOTE: I actually
understand this joke.]
elephant and mouse was best friends, one day mouse ask the age
elephant replied: two years.
mouse: repeat the question.
elephant again replied two years then mouse said i m also of 2
years just i m not well due to illness.
Awesome Best Funny Joke"
"child to other:what can
you like laughing or weeping .
2nd replied: weeping.
1st child : why?
2nd child: because my father can gave me money to stop crying.
Cant stop laughing, really
good best Funny Joke!"
Oh please, stop. My sides. My
Let me know if you want more
funny translations of really nice best awesome marvelous funny
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Cigar suggestions to celebrate the death of Osama
I posted the question in
one of the cigar forums, asking what cigars people were planning to smoke to
celebrate the killing of Osama bin Laden.
Here are some of the
suggestions, and some others I found:
- No longer made.
- Full bodied. Brazilian wrapper. Dominican binder. Nicaraguan filler.
Ops - hand made in the Dominican Republic with a dark, oily wrapper
Created by Omar Ortez and handmade in Esteli, Nicaragua
Trinidad y CIA
- Decent, cheap, medium-bodied Robusto with Honduran binder and Dominican,
Honduran and Nicaraguan filler
Natural Dirt - You wouldn't think a stick called "Natural Dirt" would
be sweet, but it is. Very.
- Not a big fan. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Nicaraguan. Ecuador wrapper.
Any other suggestions?