Dr. Phil is coming to Caesar's Palace in Windsor,
Ontario. What? Dr. Phil? Does he sing? Dance? Tell jokes? What the hell is
Dr. Phil going to do headlining a major casino showroom?
I guess the big question is: does anyone care?
Here's a guy who is said to make $30 million per year, who has a talk show
where he gives advice to people with screwed up lives and relationships,
even though his past and present aren't without huge problems and
scandals. Here's a guy who had a three year marriage annulled in the early
70s and shortly thereafter married his current wife, Robin, who was fresh
out of high school. He has a PhD degree is from North Texas University,
which many claim is like getting a degree from a community college.
In 1989 the Texas State Board of Examiners of Psychologists disciplined
McGraw for an inappropriate relationship with a "client/employee" and was
ordered to take ethics classes, undergo psychological evaluation and had his
practice supervised. Because he has not completed the imposed conditions
required, he is not licensed to practice psychology in Texas or anywhere
else.
In his unauthorized biography there are allegations that he used unethical
business practices as the owner of a gym, and that he was abusive to his
first wife.
Prsonally, I always wondered how even had a television show, and why people
just blindly follow whatever Oprah Winfrey throws at them without question.
But headlining Caesar's Palace? What the hell is he going to do to entertain
people.
Apparently, he's just going to talk. He is scheduled to cover such topics as
relationships, family issues and finances. For $75 per person. Wow!
Hey, I'm also unqualified to speak on those topics and I'll do it for only
20 bucks. Any takers?
Dr. Phil will be appearing at the Colosseum at Caesars Windsor at 8 p.m. on
Thursday, April 2nd. I won't be there.
For more info: For more information about the "show"
visit Caesars
Windsor. To order the unauthorized biography "The Making of Dr.
Phil: The Straight-Talking True Story of Americas Favorite Therapist"
click here.
How will "Sweeney Todd," with singing and dancing
and throat slitting, play in Detroit?
How will the live musical "Sweeney Todd", or "Soylent
Green, the Musical" as I like to call it, play in Detroit?
I always liked Charlton Heston, even after I discovered he was an arrogant,
gun toting right-winger. And one of my favorite Heston movies was always "Soylent
Green", the 1973 film classic (at least in my mind) where the surprise
ending of the futuristic film was that the new food supply for the
overpopulated planet was actually the elderly. Yum.
And I remember thinking: Someone should produce a musical about eating
humans for profit. Perhaps Stephen Sondheim? Okay, maybe I never actually
thought that, but it would have been cool if I had.
But, I digress. Stephen Sondheim's brilliant play, "Sweeney Todd" opens at
the Fisher Theatre in Detroit on Tuesday, March 17th. Is the Detroit theater
audience ready for blood, guts and gore on stage? Even if they're singing
and dancing, slicing someone's throat is still slicing someone's throat. And
if you've seen the movie version, will it be possible to see anyone else in
the lead role other than Johnny Depp?
While watching the movie, I recall thinking how that 30 years ago or so the
"Rocky Horror Picture Show" audience would be eating this up. Pun intended.
They would put on little skits in the audience. Dress up in Sweeney costumes
and throw muffins at the screen.
The big question now is, are there enough of these people around to come out
to the Fisher for this show? In this bad economy, does anyone actually have
$60 per person to buy a decent ticket? And since the Rocky Horror crowd is
getting up there in age, are there any senior citizen discounts available.
One of the most intriguing aspects of this new Sondheim production is that
there is no orchestra and the actors have to play whatever instruments are
available to enhance the great score.
Honestly, I'm really looking forward to this. My grandma and grandpa would
have loved it.
For more info: Visit the
Fisher Theatre
web site for more information or
Ticketmaster
online to purchase tickets.
Comedian Artie Lange slams Detroit on Howard Stern Show
Hopefully Artie Lange won't discover Detroit's great restaurants.
First, let me say that I really like Artie Lange. He's
remarkably funny and entertaining, both as a stand-up comedian and as the funny
sidekick of Howard Stern on his satellite radio program. But, when he’s not
trying to be funny, he should make sure he knows what he’s talking about before
he opens his big fat mouth.
On today's Howard Stern
Show, Howard was discussing Jay Leno's free comedy concert at the Palace of
Auburn Hills on April 7th. Howard is not a big Leno fan, and the two have been
in an on-air feud for many years, partially as a result of Jay snatching away
Stuttering John Melendez to be the Tonight Show announcer. Howard believes that
Jay is really doing this free concert to keep himself in the limelight and
promote his new prime time comedy variety show which airs in the fall on NBC.
Howard went on to discuss the city of
Detroit and his days as a radio personality at WWWW-FM in the late
seventies. After pointing out the culture shock of driving down
Jefferson Avenue from downtown Detroit to the Grosse Pointes, the
bloated Artie Lange chimed in that he recently performed in
Detroit
and that the downtown area was "nothing more than General Motors and a bunch of
burned out houses." Where in hell was Artie? Not in the downtown
Detroit that I’m in every day.
The city certainly has its problems and issues, but even the
drive down Jefferson that Howard referred to has improved over the years with
new housing and condo developments and the stores and amenities that the people
who live there require.
I understand exaggerating and enhancing for comedy's sake,
but Artie was just making an ill informed comment about a city which doesn't
really need to be kicked when it's down. Especially not with such an asinine
untruth.
The feud aside, Jay is coming to the
Detroit
area to perform and people who generally couldn't afford the tickets to a show
at the Palace may be able to attend. Sure, he may be looking to promote his
future projects, but so does Stern. And no one pats themselves on the back more
than the self-proclaimed King of All Media.
Artie, stick to the funny, where the truth is not required.
For more info: You can check out Artie Lange's web site for
tour dates, video and to buy his new book by clicking
here.
Eminem and Kwame Kilpatrick release new recordings
Both Eminem and Kwame Kilpatrick had new releases
recently. In Kwame's case, I guess he had two releases. One release was from
jail and the other was the release of more transcripts of text messages to and
from former Chief of Staff Christine Beatty and others, in the always
entertaining text message scandal.
Eminem's new single
had its debut on the internet as "Number One". Not AT number one, but AS number
one. "Number One" was the title used for the song when it was first "leaked" on
the internet. The actual title of the song (which had its official internet
launch shortly thereafter) is "Crack the Bottle" and features 50 Cent and Dr.
Dre. Em's much anticipated new album "Relapse" is scheduled for release on May
9. For the most part, his new stuff is being well received by fans and critics
alike. He's still got it. He's back. End of story.
Kwame Kilpatrick, former criminal mayor of Detroit, also had
new recordings released, in the form of more transcripts of text messages with
Beatty, his staff, family and others. And what we learned was equally as
predictable. Yes, he was deceptive.Yes he was a liar. And yes, the story
will continue...
Many say that we should just drop the whole Kwame issue now
that he and Beatty have been convicted and jailed. But how can we? It's much too
entertaining and intriguing. Especially now that the new transcripts implicate
other local officials and newsmakers, even if only second and thrid hand.
Perhaps this was all a sinister plot by Kilpatrick and his cronies to implicate
enemies by sending text messages claiming that they said things that they didn't
even say. Okay, maybe I'm stretching it. Or am I?
The transcripts do include discussions which claim that a
sitting judge would like to destroy mayoral candidate Sharon McPhail, and about
a prosecutor who seemed to indicate that an individual would be cleared, even
before hearing the evidence. How fun is this? Let's stay tuned.
With the growing motion picture industry in Michigan, perhaps
the made-for-TV movie can be filmed right here in Motown.
Both Eminem and Kwame can expect a lot of attention in the
coming weeks. One because he is a bad boy, and the other because he was one.
Monday, December 15, 2008
How to get the most out of your Blackberry
[Always remember: the views and
opinions of Gary Thison are not necessarily the views and opinions of
Gary Thison. Sometimes he just says stuff without really thinking.]
Even though I used almost
all of the features of my former Verizon LG phone (email, wireless web,
V-cast, video with a mini or macro SD card, etc.), I knew that at some
point I'd have to upgrade to a Blackberry. The clincher was when we were
up visiting friends in Northern Michigan and my wireless web didn't
work, but others 3-G Blackberries did.
I put off getting a Blackberry, not because of the cost (they have
really come down in price), but I knew there would be a pretty big
learning curve to make it a useful tool in my life.
How do I use my Blackberry? How do I add my email accounts to my
Blackberry? Where do I find cool applications for my Blackberry? Can I
get mobile porn on my Blackberry? (Probably in that order.)
Of course the first thing to consider was which Blackberry to get. Now,
I want the Storm, but I won't buy one until they come down in price
(which will mean that they already have something cooler).
The basic options I considered were the Blackberry Pearl 8130 (currently
the smallest of the Blackberries) and the Blackberry Curve 8300 series
(probably the most common of the Blackberries with cameras). I opted for
the Pearl because of its size.
Although the Pearl 8130 has a QWERTY keyboard, it has two letters per
key instead of a full keyboard like on the Curve. It took a little
getting used to, but now I'm pretty damned fast.
After searching for a good deal I finally found one on Craig's List,
brand new in the box, local and only $150.00 (I wasn't due for an
upgrade and I wanted it NOW!) I drove about 25 miles to meet the seller
and I'm not sure why he had an extra smartphone but he did. While at the
location I called Verizon, gave them the ESN (electronic serial number),
they checked it and verified that it was clean. As it turned out he was
still using the same phone himself and had nothing but praise for it's
performance. He also gave me some valuable information about some
applications that he liked which made my transformation from cell phone
to smartphone a lot smoother.
So I began my journey to move into the realm of always connected, pretty
damned high-tech communications. Then with the help of Google and a few
dozen message boards and Blackberry addict web sites (like
www.crackberry.com),
I started to figure out how to use this puppy.
The activation process with Verizon went smoothly, and since I was
already paying $15 per month for the wireless web, my bill only went up
another $15 to have unlimited, high speed broadband internet access at
my fingertips. Don't tell Verizon, but it's worth more.
I won't go into the details of the basic set up of your Blackberry. You
can do that by simply clicking on the Set Up Wizard icon on your main
screen.
One of the first things I learned that I had to do was to download the
Blackberry Desktop Manager. As a Verizon customer I just went to their
web site and surfed for it. The Desktop Manager allows you to syncronize
your Blackberry with your desktop or laptop computer and manage your
media (music, videos, ringtones), syncronize your email, backup and
restore your device, add or remove Blackberry applications and transfer
data from one Blackberry to another. I won't go into all of the details
on how to use the Desktop Manager but suffice it to say that if you just
got a Blackberry make sure you visit your provider and download it.
Often, you can download the applications directly from the web on your
Blackberry
Finally, I was ready to download all of those cool applications I heard
about. And then figure out how to use them.
Opera Mini Browser:
This is a really cool alternative to the Blackberry Browser. It
functions pretty much like the browser on your desktop system, in that
you can see the entire (very tiny) page. When you click on an area of
the web page it zooms in and enlarges it for you. One of the best things
about having an alternative browser is that you can have the Blackberry
browser delivering your music or satellite radio and still surf the web,
do Google searches, visit web sites, etc. on your Opera Mini Browser.
Just go to
www.operamini.com/download where you will have the option to
download it to your PC, your phone or have them send you a link via SMS
directly to your Blackberry. Very cool.
Google Maps: A
must get if you're on Verizon and don't want to pay the extra ten bucks
for the GPS system. It's basically the poorman's GPS. Once you download
the application to your Blackberry you can find your approximate current
location (based on the nearest wireless tower) and view it on a map. You
can also switch to a satellite view of your current location and even
see the street view just like on your grown-up computer. Then, you can
request directions from your current location to wherever you want (just
type in an address), or find it yourself on the map. You can switch from
map view to word directions easily. Go to
www.google.com/gmm
and they'll walk you through the whole process.
Beyond 411:
Another REALLY useful application. It's essentially the same as the 411
Directory Assistance that you call when you want a number, but you just
open the application and type in the name of the the person or business
you're looking for and Voila! there it is. Beyond411 is the fastest way
to look up businesses, driving directions, and web pages on your
Blackberry. It can even search based on your exact location using GPS
(on all carriers except Verizon) or Google Maps (which works fine on
Verizon). Visit http://thebogles.com/berry/beyond411,
put in your Blackberry email address and they'll send you the link.
Viigo: A useful
application that gives you fast and easy access to RSS news feeds,
sports, weather, games, travel and much more. Dowload by any method at
http://viigo.com/download.
Mobile IM: The
application that I downloaded was directly from Verizon Wireless, but
I'm sure they must have this application for other carriers as well. You
can add this app to your Blackberry main screen and get easy access to
all of the popular messaging programs like AIM, Yahoo, MSN Messenger,
etc. Apparently, the messages you send are treated as text messages and
come out of whatever plan you have, so be careful. I have unlimited text
messages so it's not really a concern. Plus I never use it
because...well, because I rarely use any of the IM services. I just
downloaded it because I could. Just to to the Verizon Wireless website
or search on Google for other options.
Video: You can
watch a variety of videos on your Blackberry. Of course you can now log
into your YouTube account (as well as MySpace and FaceBook), but there
are also a number of mobile video web sites which allow you to search
for specific videos. Some of them actually search YouTube and convert
them to a format you can watch on your Blackberry, others have been
blocked by YouTube for some reason. Just bookmark www.vuclip.com and
www.tinytube.net for starters. I'm sure there are many others, so when
you find them, please let me know.
Listening to Satellite Radio: This was the clincher for me. I went to Google and
typed in "can I listen to Sirius Satellite Radio on blackberry", and lo
and behold YOU CAN! How freaking cool is that? It takes a little set-up,
but once you have that done you can listen to your Sirius account
anywhere. First, you need to download USirius
(http://www.millardsoftware.com/content/usirius-10-release-candidate-8)
on your desktop, followed by setting up and downloading an Orb account (www.orb.com).
Once this is done, you log into USirius (with your Sirius account online
password), choose the channels that you want to listen to on your
Blackberry, then copy and past the url for those channels and paste them
into your Orb account. It sounds more complicated than it is. After you
get this set up done, you simply log into orb.com on your Blackberry and
click on the channel you want to listen to. With Orb, you can also load
pictures, videos, music and more. Once it's on your Orb page you can
access it all on your Blackberry.
Okay, that's it for now. Hope this helps you get more out of your
Blackberry. When I find more cool stuff I'll post it here.
Gary Thison
Dime-a-dozen, cheap, two-bit stand up comic with a couple of web sites
www.ClickOnComedy.com
www.2FunnyShow.com
www.InteractiveLunacy.com
www.CellPhoneRealityTV.com
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
President-elect Obama has already cost me
money
[Always remember: the views and
opinions of Gary Thison are not necessarily the views and opinions of
Gary Thison. Sometimes he just says stuff without really thinking.]
Obama has already
cost me money. I arrived at the polls at 7 a.m. yesterday to cast my
vote for President, only to discover that my vote for Obama was going to
cost me.
I thought that by
getting there when the polls opened I would be able to fly in and out.
Didn't happen. The entire process of voting took about two and half
hours. The company that I work for kindly gave all employees a free hour
on either end of the day to get out and vote, but mine took more than an
hour. Consequently, I wasn't paid for the extra hour and a half it took
me to perform my patriotic duty.
I have emailed
the Obama campaign office to see if they can send me some of the extra
money they have to cover my lost pay. So far, I haven't heard back from
them. Oh sure, they were calling me every other day when they wanted my
vote. Now, nuthin'!
I must admit that this election has restored my faith in Americans.
Perhaps the masses aren't asses. Not only did they set aside racial
issues and vote for the best person for the job, but here in Michigan
voters showed compassion and passed proposals allowing medical marijuana
and stem cell research.
I hope the population doesn't get too sane. Then what the hell am I
going to make fun of besides myself?
[Always remember: the views and
opinions of Gary Thison are not necessarily the views and opinions of
Gary Thison. Sometimes he just says stuff without really thinking.]
For a
moment, I liked Joe the Plumber. He seemed somewhat legitimate.
Maybe the McCain campaign is spending so much time on Joe the Plumber
because they want to take the focus off Sarah Palin, the worst vice
presidential pick ever. She's making Dan Quayle look good.
It sounded like Joe the Plumber (real name Joe Wurzelbacher) had some
legitimate concerns. I even read the interview with him in Corporate
Executive Magazine (highly recommended for closed-minded right wing
elitists). But the more he talked, the more interviews he did, the more
the real truth was revealed. Like McCain, he ain't what he makes himself
out to be. (Read the Rolling Stone article:
Make-Believe
Maverick.)
So, this average Joe (the plumber, not the six-pack) confronts Obama and
is concerned that if he buys the plumbing company that he works for it
will take him over the $250,000 threshold and he'll have to pay more
taxes. Waaaaah! Poor baby!
First Joe, you have to turn the company into a business that actually
brings in a quarter of million dollars...profit. But before you even do
that, you should probably get a friggin' plumbing license. Fact is, Joe
isn't even really a plumber. Sure he may plumb for money, but he isn't a
real plumber. In an article published in the Chicago Sun-Times, he said
that he doesn't need a license since he works for a company that has a
license. Not! As luck would have it, the plumbing company he works for
doesn't have a license in the county that they perform their services
either.
It turns out that he doesn't even really have any concrete plan to buy
the business, Newell Plumbing and Heating, which consists of Joe and his
boss, the owner Al Newell.
Joe admittedly makes about $40,000 a year. Wonder how much Al makes?
And now, I've heard many conservatives whining about the fact that the
"liberal" media is knocking this poor guy down by bringing up the fact
that he's not really a plumber, he hasn't even paid his back taxes and
pointing out that even if he did make $250,000 per year he'd still be
better off with Obama's tax plan. C'mon people. McCain started it. He's
the one that brought Joe the Plumber up in the first place. Again, there
seems to be a bit of a vetting problem on McCain's part. (See Palin.)
In the Chicago Sun-Times article he finished by saying: "I just hope I'm
not making too much of a fool of myself." Well Joe, you are. But not as
much as your candidate for bringing you up in the first place.
I think he might be on "plumbers crack".
[Here's last night's SNL debate parody.]
Monday, October 13, 2008
Fox News and objectivity..Is it just me, or
are they nuts?
[Always remember: the views and
opinions of Gary Thison are not necessarily the views and opinions of
Gary Thison. Sometimes he just says stuff without really thinking.]
I have to admit
that I'm dumbfounded at how two people (or two parties) can be exposed
to the exact same thing and come away from it with two completely
different impressions as to what occurred.
I was in Chicago
a week ago Thursday with my family. My daughter and I made sure that we
planned our day and evening so that we could be back in the hotel in
time to watch the Vice-presidential debate. We watched, we marveled, we
laughed, we almost cried. It's so difficult for me not to be mean when
it comes to Sarah Palin. It's sad when it's considered a victory to not
totally blow it...even though I think on many levels she did.
She was obviously
unable to answer any question that she hadn't been prepped on and the
method she used to go back to the few issues she was able to discuss was
laughable. This is not a bright woman. I'm sorry, but she's not. She
admitted that she doesn't really read. She wasn't allowed to speak to
the media or take interviews for weeks after being nominated (that is so
scary). When she did do interviews (specifically the ABC and NBC ones),
she came out looking like a fool.
But, I wanted to
be fair. So, instead of my usual sources for news and information (CNN,
Yahoo, Time Magazine, Atlantic Monthly), I started watching the Fox News
Network. OMG! OMFG!
I was so
flabbergasted that I really don't have much else to say. On a follow-up
show after the VP debate, Fox News had a group of supposedly undecided
voters react to how they thought things went. Almost all of them said
they thought Sarah Palin won the debate. What??? Were they watching the
same debate I was? Damn, this is getting scarier by the minute.
Here is the
follow-up show with the undecided voters that aired on Fox. If it
weren't so frightening, it would be hilarious.
Monday, September 29, 2008
These are the signs of our times! Funny signs.
These hilarious signs are circulating around the internet, but I thought
I'd post them here in case you haven't seen them.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
'Dr.
Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a
Podiatrist's office:
'Time
wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a
Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To
expedite your visit, please back in.'
**************************
On a
Plumber's truck:
'We
repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On
another Plumber's truck:
'Don't
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.'
**************************
On a
Church's Bill board:
'7
days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a
Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a
Towing company:
'We
don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an
Electrician's truck:
'Let
us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a
Nonsmoking Area:
'If we
see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a
Maternity Room door:
'Push.
Push. Push.'
**************************
At an
Optometrist's Office:
'If
you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a
Taxidermist's window:
'We
really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a
Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a
Car Dealership:
'The
best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a
Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be
back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the
Electric Company
'We
would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'
**************************
In a
Restaurant window:
'Don't
stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the
front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive
carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
At a
Propane Filling Station:
'Thank
heaven for little grills.'
**************************
CHICAGO RADIATOR
SHOP:
'Best
place in town to take a leak.'
**************************
Sign
on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
'Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promise
Friday, September 26, 2008
Who’s the bigger idiot, Palin or McCain for
choosing her?
[Always remember: the views and
opinions of Gary Thison are not necessarily the views and opinions of
Gary Thison. Sometimes he just says stuff without really thinking.]
When
John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his running mate I thought he was
crazy. Now, I'm pretty sure of it.
Sarah
Palin? For Vice President? Seriously?
I'm certainly no expert, but I'm
obsessed with reading articles, watching the CNN and Fox News channels
as well as dozens of online news sources.
First
of all, I think it's almost impossible to know who to vote for since
both campaigns are full of misinformation, exaggerations and total
distortions. I believe that both McCain and Obama think that they have
the country's best interest at heart. Listening to people say that "Obama
befriended terrorists" and "McCain wants to hurt middle America". Come
on! Do people really believe that?
Sure, it's tough not to use the
obvious attack approach since both candidates are now getting nasty with
their advertising, but if you're going to vote, I hope you don't base it
on hearsay and attack ads. Do some god damn research or stay the fuck
home on election day.
I wish choosing a president was
a black and white issue. Oh wait, it sort of is. But that's not what I
mean.
Anyway,
back to Sarah Palin. After everything I've read, what I can definitely
tell you about her is that she is a gun toting, moose eating, caribou
shooting, hypocritical, religious fanatic, crazy hockey mom.
A couple of quick points to
justify some of those comments:
1) In almost all of her speeches
she toots her own horn about being against the "Bridge to Nowhere", when
in fact she was the largest contributor to the guy who spearheaded the
whole thing. She only flip-flopped when it became politically beneficial
and she was losing the support of the residents of Alaska.
2) She
says that the only form of birth control that should be practiced is
abstinence. She is against abortion even in the case of rape or the
early knowledge that the child will be deformed or mentally handicapped.
Even putting aside the fact that her teenage daughter is pregnant (yep,
teaching abstinence at home worked out well for ya didn't it, Sarah),
that's just plain stupid. Stupid I tell ya!
3) She has referred to her area
of her state as the "Alaska Bible Belt". Like that's a good thing.
4) After she became mayor, she
inquired as to how to ban books from the library because of
objectionable content. What the fuck!? I wonder if she ever read Ray
Bradbury's "Fahrenheit 451". Had I not been able to read "Catcher in the
Rye" when I was an adolescent, I probably wouldn't have acquired a
passion for reading or known about masturbation. :)
5) She's often talking about
"less government" when her state is 18th in federal taxes paid per
resident ($5,423), and first in federal money received per resident
($13,950).
That's
not to say that Obama doesn't distort his opponents' records and enhance
his own, but Palin is scary. And I think John McCain chose her because
he wanted to ruffle the feathers of the Republican party because they
didn't want Joe Lieberman or that other governor guy as his vice
presidential nominee. They wanted Mitt Romney. So McCain said, "Fuck
you...I'm gonna choose this crazy Alaskan MILF."
That may seem to some like a
true "maverick", but personally, I think it's lunatic.
It was fun watching the
Republican Convention and seeing all of the party big shots talking to
the press, trying to defend and justify McCain's choice, when you know
that inside they were thinking that McCain had lost his mind.
It's amazing to me that these
leaders of our government (on both sides) actually get on stage before a
worldwide audience of millions, and just spew out bullshit.
Now,
for what may be a shocker to anyone who knows me, I really like Mike
Huckabee. I don't agree with a lot of his ideology, but I find him
pretty damned articulate, funny and fair-minded (even when he espousing
some of his right-wing views). But, he really blew it in his speech at
the RNC. In that speech, he said that Sarah Palin received more votes as
mayor of a small town in Alaska than Joe Biden received in his bid for
the presidency.
The
fact is, Sarah Palin received just over 1,500 votes TOTAL in BOTH of her
elections as mayor. Joe Biden, even though he dropped out of the race
right after the Iowa Caucus received about 80,000 votes for president.
I strongly encourage everyone, on both sides of
the aisle, to frequently visit
www.factcheck.org
to clarify some of the bullshit flung by both parties.
But I
digress...yet again. After Sarah Palin was first named as the
Republican Vice Presidential candidate, there was a surge in the polls
for the Republicans, but now that we've had a little time to look at her
and what she believes, she seems to nose-diving.
And of
course there are the obvious criticisms of McCain for making this
choice. He spent an awful lot of time criticizing Obama for his lack of
experience, then he chooses a VP candidate who was mayor of a town with
a smaller population than abandoned ghetto Eldorados in San Diego. (Yep,
I too can be politically incorrect.)
What happened to McCain's
straight talk? Let's just examine these facts which are circulating
around the internet, then move on to the issues:
Obama
graduated from Harvard Law School.
Palin attended five small colleges before graduating.
Obama spent three years as a
community organizer, become the first African American President of the
Harvard Law Review, created a voter registration drive that registered
150,000 new voters, spent 12 years as a Constitutional Law
professor, eight years as a State Senator representing a district with
over 750,000 people, became chairman of the state Senate's Health and
Human Services committee, spent four years in the United States Senate
representing a state of 13 million people and sponsored 131 bills, and
he served on the Foreign Affairs, Environment and Public Works and
Veteran's Affairs committees.
Palin was a local weather
girl, spent four years on the city council, six years as the mayor of a
town with less than 7,000 residents and 20 months as the governor of a
state with only 650,000 people.
Another
fact that I found interesting is how McCain relentlessly criticized
Obama early in the campaign for his desire to apply a windfall-profits
tax on the big oil companies..yet he chose a running mate who has
already implemented that tax in Alaska.
Then,
let's look at the celebrity issue. McCain ran some very negative (and
rather absurd ads) equating Obama with Paris Hilton and Britney
Spears...then picks a running mate who is quickly made into the biggest
celebrity in the world.
All
other issues aside, I' have much more confidence in Obama's choice in a
running mate than in McCain's. Especially if they somehow end up with
the big job.
I
invite anyone to watch any of the (very) few interviews she's been
allowed to give and tell me that you have confidence in her potentially
being the leader of the free world. Seriously.
My
favorite line from a celebrity was when Matt Damon said that this whole
thing is like a bad Disney movie: "Hockey Mom Becomes President". I
think Kurt Russell should play the First Man.
When it
comes to McCain, he's starting to Palin comparison. (Pun intended.)
[The views and
opinions expressed by Gary Thison are not even necessarily those of Gary
Thison. Sometimes he just spews shit before he thinks about it.]
So, the other day I went to serve a subpoena on Detroit Mayor Kwame
Kilpatrick...and a WNBA game broke out.
Do you know why the fight broke out in the WNBA game? They ran out of
Midol at halftime.
But I digress, I have written a new song for Kwame to record to help
raise money for his defense. Sung to the Bob Marley classic.
"I shoved the sheriff...oh wait it was the deputy."
If you're looking for some really funny videos (no, not all mine),
click
here to visit the Click On Comedy Funny Pages.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
If you have no self respect,
here’s a great way to make easy money!
If you have no self respect, here's a great way
to make easy money! (Yes, besides doing comedy.)
I have discovered a sure-fire way to make good
money, tax free, with little or no effort, no dress-code and no
skill required. You can never be fired and you can take days off
whenever the hell you want.
Does this sound like one of those radio ads which tell you that
you can work at home and get rich on the internet? Well, it
ain't! This is real. I see it happening every day and have even
done a little research which I'll share with you, just in case
you want to take advantage of this profitable endeavor.
I've been working in downtown Detroit for the past year. I
hadn't worked downtown on a daily basis in more than 20 years.
Regardless of what you non-Detroiters think, our downtown is
pretty nice, in spite of the awful economy. But, that's another
story.
This one is about the panhandlers who work the streets down
here, and in every major city across the country. As I move
about the downtown area, there are about five or six panhandlers
whom I encounter on a regular basis. They all have their own
modus operandi or method of trying to get some money from
passersby. "Can you help a homeless guy get some lunch?" Of
course, if you give him a sandwich he becomes indignant and
throws it in the garbage.
Another guy walks around in a suit and tie,
always glancing at his cell phone. He approaches people and
tells them that his car was just towed and his wallet was in the
car. He says he's trying to get enough money to take the bus
home so he can pick up money to get his car out of the impound
lot. I fell for this one. ONCE. This guy isn't very good at
remembering faces. Every time I walk by him he approaches me and
starts his story. Every time I tell him that he already got me
with this scam. Yesterday, I just yelled "No!" He said, "Oh,
okay," and walked away. The next time he asks, I'm going to tell
him to remember my face because if he ever asks me again I'm
going to follow him around and tell everyone he approaches that
it's a flimflam operation.
Another guy simply says, "Can you help a homeless
guy out?" He's the focus of this story.
He's a
short, dirty looking, disheveled guy in raggedy clothes. One
day, while waiting for my driver to take me to my car (okay,
it's a shuttle bus), the filthy little beggar walked up to one
of the valet guys in front of one of the office buildings, said
a few words to him and walked away. I said to the valet guy, "I
wonder how much Social Security that guy gets." The valet said,
"I don't know about that, but I do know how much he makes
panhandling."
I asked him how he knew that, and he told me that
he buys the guy's quarters off of him every day. Just the
quarters, not the nickels, dimes or dollars. "Really, so how
much does he make?" I asked.
He told me that during the winter he buys about
$60 or $70 in quarters every day. During the warmer months, $120
- $130. What the fuck! Let's be conservative and say he makes an
average of $100 (including the nickels, dimes and dollars).
That's $500 per week, tax free. That's $26,000 per year, tax
free. That's bullshit. And he probably does get Social Security,
disability, welfare or some other income.
What a great job! You don't need to get dressed
up or even shower before work. You need no skills whatsoever. In
fact the more pitiful and incompetent you look the better. I've
heard reports that he does get all cleaned up from time to time
and makes a deposit in his bank account right around the corner.
When I get the opportunity, I'm going to offer
him five bucks if he will agree to an honest, quick little
interview which I'll record on my cell phone and post here.
In the
meantime, I'm going to start hanging out on the streets during
my lunch hour, lay my hat on the ground and play my harmonica.
At least with me you get a little (alleged) music for your
money. And I'm pretty sure that people will gladly pay me....to
stop playing.
Friday, June 27,
2008
Get your very own
Hilarious Talking T-Shirt
How would you like to be the first one on your block (or
perhaps the first one in your state..maybe even your
continent) to own your very own Hilarious Talking
T-Shirt? It's a piece of clothing and a comedy bit in
one.
I originally developed this shirt as a stand up comedy
bit for my act, but sold thousands of them through gift
catalogues over the years (for $20 plus shipping). Now
I'm offering them online for
only $10 andit includes shipping.
You receive a quality tee shirt, instructions and
a comedy manuscript which provides a number of
comedy ideas so that you can get big laughs any time you
wear the shirt.
For more info, or to order your very own shirt (or ten),
click here!
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Whoring my web sites for yucks!
I have a
number of web sites (InteractiveLunacy.com, ClickOnComedy.com,
LaughandLearnSpeeches.com, MetroDetroit.com, MetroWebLinks.com).
What does that mean? It means I'm a whore and I'm not afraid to
beg for attention.
My comedy sites are pretty beneficial, in that they bring me
about half of the corporate and club shows that I do. But, some
of the pages on those sites are just for laughs and I'd like to
invite you to visit some (or all) of them and let me know what
you think.
I've created a new start page which isn't as cumbersome as my
main Interactive Lunacy page.
Click here to check it out. It's basically an intoduction
page with links to a few of the more popular pages that I've
created (like the "Virtual Mardi Gras - Send Me a Picture of
your Boobs, I'll Send You a Picture of Some Beads" and "Poo
Pourri - my new invention that makes farts smell like flowers).
So, please do me a favor and visit my web sites. You'll notice
that I now have comedy ads which can take you to other funny
sites. Please check them out as well.
Remember, I keep telling my family that the powdered milk is
gonna taste a lot better once daddy gets the water turned back
on.
Peace on you all.
Chives, my Virtual
Butler at the Red Bull Air Show in downtown Detroit
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Hilarious Blog - Latest observations from comedy writer
Actor Charlton Heston is dead. In his life he was a
major gun advocate and head of the National Rifle Association. He once
said that to get his gun you'd have to pry it from his dead hand. "Hey
Chuck, hand me that gun. Never mind, I'll just pry it from your dead
hand."
I'm
so confused. Who REALLY has more HD channels, Comcast or Direct TV?/span>
How
can you tell when a menstruating woman has been masturbating? You catch
her red handed. (Sorry.) I have one of those voice
recognition GPS systems in my car, where all you have to do is say where
you want to go. Sometimes they have trouble recognizing words when
you're drunk. Fortunately, I paid extra for the Slurred Word Recognition
option.
If
the economy is so bad, how come Little Caesar's still only charges five
dollars for a pizza? Were they overcharging us all those years? Was it
really only a two dollar pizza? I think Little Caesar's owes me some
money. Or a lot of pizzas.
Experts
recommend that when the economy is bad, it's good to go out and see some
live comedy and laugh. Hey idiots, if the economy is bad, they CAN'T
AFFORD TO GO OUT AND SEE LIVE COMEDY.
I'm
producing a documentary expose of pirates. It's called, "Jolly Roger and
Me".
CNBC
conducts a lot of bizarre polls during political campaigns. For
instance, they found Clinton
was ahead with bowlers and gun owners, but it was a tie with beer
drinkers. I wonder if they ever did a poll about people who don't give a
shit?
Monday, April 21, 2008 My emotional abuse by catholic church as a
child
Just
checking in with a couple of thoughts about things in the news:
The Pope came to the U.S. last week and had quite an extensive public relations
tour and press junket. Maybe they're gonna come out with a new book (that first
one has been around for over 2,000 years).
He even had an audience with three of the children (now grown) who were sexually
abused by the clergy. Even though the church was responsible (or should be) for
countless cases of sexual and emotional abuse, these three got their day in the
spotlight.
Apparently, they got to have a no-holds-barred conference with the Pontiff,
instead of the normally formal procedures you must follow at most audiences with
the Pope.
No fair!
I spent eight years at a Catholic school, went to mass six days a week (I have
fulfilled my requirement for a lifetime and have a some left over if anyone
needs them), I had a gazillion interactions with clergy on a regular basis...and
not once...NOT ONCE....DID ANYONE EVERY TRY TO MOLEST, SEDUCE OR ABUSE ME!
What??? Is something wrong with me? I was a cute kid (I know: "What happened?")
Do you know how this adversley affected my self-esteem? Do you know how much
more successful I would have been (okay, maybe successful at all) if only I were
approached with ill-intent by a church member as I child? Exactly!
So, I'm thinking that perhaps I have a lawsuit against the Catholic Church as
well.
But, I pontificate.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Random thoughts..and I mean random
I saw a commercial on TV that stated:
"Jeopardy...now in HD!" What the hell do you need Jeopardy in high def
for? I expected the broadcaster to then say, "For more information,
visit whogivesashit.com."
I’m semi-officially in a band called "The World’s Shittiest Band". Our
motto is: We Hate People. Without Them, We’re Everything! We had an
impromptu jam session last Saturday and drummer Sy Smatters (yes it
does) posed an interesting question: What is the world’s worse job? His
thought was: Assistant Crack Whore. Wow! Crack Whore is bad enough, but
assistant to a crack whore, now that’s an awful job.
I once read in Time Magazine’s science section that the average foot
excretes a half-pint of sweat every day. I always thought that the job
of measuring foot sweat would be a pretty lousy job too.
Let me know any crappy jobs you can think of.
When you shoot a snot-rocket (holding
one nostril closed and blasting the nasal contents directly to the
ground or elsewhere), you are actually helping the environment because
you aren’t wasting tissue paper.
I think that’s what Elvis was doing when he’d walk to each end of the
stage and make his little bow. And those loving fans thought that was
sweat.
Tuesday, March 11,
2008
How to piss off visitors to your MySpace page
Here are
some tips on alienating and pissing off visitors to your MySpace
page:
1)
Download every free layout that you can find and combine them
all to clutter your page so it’s almost impossible to look at.
2) Annoy people by forcing them listen to whatever crap music
you’re into. This is especially good if you also have video on
the page and your goddam music plays in the background so you
can’t even hear the audio on the video.
3) Pick a font that is the same color as the stupid background
you chose so you can’t even read the text on the page.
4) Make sure the page is really wide so you have to scroll over
to even see anything (though it’s probably not worth looking
at).
5) Move everything around so that visitors can’t locate the
common things found on every MySpace page like Add Friend.
I’m sure
there are many other annoying things that you can do to make
your MySpace page unreadable. Any suggestions?
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Give a therapist a little space..
Keep this in mind: If you
give a "therapist" a little space, he becomes "the rapist". I don't know why you
should keep that in mind, but maybe you have a little room for pointless shit
like this.
Detroit is Number One in Miserable Cities
Forbes Magazine just released their Top Ten Miserable Cities to
Live In and Detroit was chosen number one. (We're number one! We're number
one!). Oh sure, that makes sense if you base it on violent crime, shitty weather
and the second highest unemployment rate in the country, but aside from
that.....
The sad thing is, Flint, Michigan came in number three. Which means that moving
from Detroit to Flint is a step up. Owwww!
Monday, February 11, 2008
Forecast: bloggy. Random thoughts.
True
story: I opened a fortune cookie and my fortune read: "Someone will recognize
your generosity." So, I gave the fortune to my daughter, "Here, I wanted you to
have this." She read it and said, "Gee, thanks. That was generous of you."
Spooky.
Stupid or insulting ads really piss me off. One that always drives me crazy, is
when you see a sign that reads something like: Up to 50% Off and MORE. Dammit,
if it's UP TO 50%, then 50% is the highest it can go. How much more? 5% more?
Then it should say: Up to 55% Off. Unless maybe the MORE is the the fact that
the sales girls are topless. I guess that would be MORE. Or they could have a
salad bar. That would be more. Especially in the tool department at Sears.
Another ad claim that drives me crazy, is when they say, "We'll beat any
deal...or it's FREE!" It's never fucking free. All they have to do is go a penny
less than the better deal.
In a perfect world, people who want to commit suicide would be the ones to
contract terminal illnesses.
Friday, February 8, 2008
Just a simple question...
I wonder who Monica
Lewinsky is voting for?
Wednesday, February 6, 2008 City Crime is Better than
Rural Crime
My wife often points out
the crime that ocurrs in and around our neighborhood. I think her main
motivation is because she just wants to move.
We live in a pretty nice, suburban Detroit city with a decent police force and
sheriff's department, but yeah, crime happens. Sometimes close to home.
The gas station which is located on the corner of our street, recently had a
vehicle crash through it's glass window in the middle of the night. The
criminals attached a chain to the ATM money machine, yanked the son-of-a-bitch
right out of the wall and fled. Crime? Yes. Scary? Not so much.
So, while researching some media sources in northern Michigan and the Upper
Penisula I ran across a news story about how, in Marquette, Michigan,
someone has placed coyote traps along a popular cross-country ski trail. Crime?
Yes. Scary? Mucho.
I'm not sure about you, but hearing a loud noise in the middle of the night and
finding out the next day that someone broke into the gas station is WAY better
than going out cross-country skiing and having to make your way back from the
wilderness by learning to slalom while leaving your other leg behind.
In this case Urban Crime is better than Rural Crime.
Amen.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Ain’t No Blood Drive Like a Dee-troit Blood Drive..okay so I’m sick
This is an actual
photograph. Okay, maybe I added a little color. } =-o
Friday, February 1, 2008 Clinton and Obama vie for
Academy Rewards
The
Democratic Presidential Debate last night took place at the Kodak Theatre in
Hollywood, which is the venue that hosts the Academy Awards.
It ocurred to me, watching Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama debate, that this may
possibly have been the most notable competition for Best Actor and Best Actress
ever.
January 31, 2008 Detroit
welcomes visitors with Snow Balls Art
Recently, Detroit hosted the North American International
Auto Show and was showcased in front of the world. Someone decided to share
Detroit's artistic abilities with this snow design I like to call Detroit
Has Balls. Hey Kwame! You're not the only big on in the city.
Do you think Detroiters are impressed with Colorado's wimpy 25 inches?
Detroit Mayor Kwame
Kilpatrick needs a little spin doctoring
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is in the middle of a scandalous controversy. It
would appear from the evidence that he is 100% guilty of lying under oath and
that he could actually do jail time for perjury. I can help him regain the
confidence of the citizens of Detroit and ultimately prove him innocent of all
charges. Ya just gotta spin it right.
Last year, in what is now known as the Whistleblowers' Trial, the mayor swore
that he and his Chief of Staff Christine Beatty DID NOT have an intimate affair.
Now, more than 14,000 text messages, some with explicit sexual references,
indicate otherwise.
So, how does a married guy who was obviously having an affair with a
then-married woman get out of a mess like this? Enter Gary Thison: Spin Doctor.
First, Kwame could explain how important it is to have the Chief of Staff in his
corner. By having hot, frequent sex with her, she would be more likely to
support his policies which will be good for the city. He can simply explain that
he was doing it for the people of Detroit. What a noble mayor.
Or perhaps an even better idea is to claim total innocence. The mayor could go
into court and visibly show that his chubby fingers could never have keyed in
that many text messages in that period of time. If the fingers are fat...you
can't do dat!
If he follows my advice, this scandal will ultimately blow over and he can get
on with business as usual. (These methods will probably not work at home.)
I heard that city officials are willing to allow him to finish his term, as long
as he agrees to be introduced as: The Dishonorable Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick.
You're welcome Kwame.
For all of Comedian Gary Thison's blog
entriesClick here!
Click
here
to check out the Hilarious Talking Shirt Click here to check out the
Politically Correct Holiday Cigar
If you're just looking for laughs,click here to visit
theClick on Comedy Funny Pages.
There, you'll find links to hilarious videos and lots of other outrageous comedy
pages.
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