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Here are some of my recent blog entries. More at Joking Smoker and Hooked on Droid.

Two favorite REAL funny photos - Exit before Tweeting and Serving Size one bite
Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Not much need be said about these two great photos. If you really want one of the Exit Before Tweeting signs you can order from Shark Robot.

Hey look! Only 80 calories! But check out the Serving Size.

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Creepy or cool? QR codes on tombstones; Homer Simpson in the flesh photo
Thursday, September 29, 2011

In Japan, they are putting QR codes on tombstones at cemeteries. That way, visitors to the grave can scan the code with their Smartphone and see a picture of the deceased, read a eulogy or even watch a video. I'd make a video before I died of me inside of a coffin, still alive, pounding to get out. And I'd make sure there was a shovel nearby.

Homer in the flesh. Is this disgusting or hilarious?
I'm thinking both.

Let me tell you what I think about the cost of homes, lighting cigars, whether Google makes you stupid and let's rethink ink

Monday, September 26, 2011

Random thoughts from a dime-a-dozen, cheap, two-bit stand-up comic:

The "Fuck the Public" Effect

How is it that the cost of homes are low and everything else is high? I believe it's the "fuck the public" effect. Whichever way screws over the general population is how it will go. Since people own homes, the value is so low that they can't sell them. But if they need to buy something that they do not yet own, it's outrageously expensive.

Maybe it's me!

I know I've probably given a not-so-great review to a cigar or two because i didn't take care in lighting it. Then, I complained that it didn't burn right. My bad.

I've noticed that if I'm outside in even a very mild breeze, that my cigars do not burn nearly as well as if I fire them up in my garage before stepping into the breeze.

For the best light us SST lighters, rotate above the flame without puffing, then finally, slow steady draws as you continue rotating. If you get a cigar lit properly and then it burns poorly, now that's an issue.

People just don't think any more?

I disagree with those who say that Google is making people stupid by giving them such easy access to so much information. Game show superstar Ken Jennings said in the recent Time Magazine interview that he's worried there's less value placed on broad general knowledge because Google is so readily available.

I think the opposite is true. People will now research and learn about things that they never would have before because the knowledge is right there at their fingertips. Thus, making them smarter methinks.

So, shut up Mr. Jeopardy Smartie Pants.
Does ink stink?

I think the fact that many characters in movies who happen to have the same tattoos as the actors playing them doesn't work most of the time. If you know you're going to be pretending to be someone else and there's a chance you may take your clothes off, you might want to think twice before having a giant picture of your mate tatooed to your ass.

How to impress strangers or maybe humiliate them for fun
If you're going out to dinner with someone you don't know very well, or worse yet someone you don't like very much, it's a good idea to do a little preparation so that you have something to talk about.

For instance, if you know they're into sports, check out the sports headlines and read a couple of articles. It may also be a good idea to spend a half hour browsing the Yahoo News web page. That way you'll know a little bit about everything and will be able to chime in on most any topical conversation. The economy, world news, pop culture, gossip.

And if, by chance, they don't bring up any of these topics, you can do it and maybe make them look stupid which, when you really don't like someone, is always fun.

Rock, Paper, Scissors online

Even though I thnk it's really cool that there is an online version of Rock, Paper, Scissors, I think it's weird that the New York times is the one who created it.


 Thursday, August 4, 2011

Is Piers Morgan just playing the role of a$$hole on America's Got Talent?

To paraphrase Frank Zappa's line about young people and music: "America's Got Talent" judge Piers Morgan wouldn't know talent if it bit him in the ass. I know that  they say that he's just "playing the role" of the mean guy on the American version of the show, but I wouldn't risk having the whole world view me as an asshole just for the gig. Okay, yes I would. But, still.

His inability to see the humor of the only two actual comedians on the show (J. Chris Newburg and Geechy Guy) should be indication enough that he has no business sitting in the judges chair. The other judges liked them. The audience was howling with laughter. And Piers had the audacity to tell Geechy Guy that his jokes were like getting hit in the head with a hammer. Maybe actually getting hit in the head with a hammer would knock some sense into him.

I'm sure there are some defenders of his opinions. Every once in a while I even agree with him. But his arrogant, ill-informed opinions have repeatedly shown that he just doesn't know what the hell he is talking about.

Take for instance when singer Taylor Davis made his final appearance on August 2nd, Piers criticized him saying that he was singing off-key. He was not singing off key. That was verified by people who actually can tell if someone is singing off key. Can't judge humor. Can't judge singers. And why is he there?

Oh, maybe because he can judge novelty, dance and danger acts? Nope. He sucks at that as well.

In the past two weekly opportunities to put through either the number four or number five most voted-for contestants he showed his incredible ineptness again. Last week, he chose Professor Splash (the guy who dives into a small pool of water) as the one to move on to the next round. Piers stated that he put him through because he thought he had the best chance to have a great show in Vegas. Really? REALLY? This is the same guy who, after his last dive, had to be taken to the hospital to be checked out and his body was covered in bruises. And Piers thinks that he can do this multiple times per day in Vegas? What are they going to do, add a hospital wing onto the casino?

Then, last night (August 3rd), Piers had to decide between comedian/impressionist Melissa Villasenor and juggler Charles Peachock. Although Melissa had a very good first set in the early going, it was pretty clear that she was new to the business and doesn't really have all that much material. Her first set included impressions of Kathy Griffin Miley Cyrus and they were spot on, but she even indicated that she's pretty much an open miker and I suspected that her first spot exhausted her best material. She proved me right with her last appearance which didn't have a lick of comedy in it, and the impressions were only okay at best.

But, back to Piers Morgan. To further point out that he really doesn't have a clue, he mildly admonished Melissa by pointing out that she was much better in the Vegas round. She wasn't even in Vegas. She was put right through to the Hollywood round. Oops. Hey Piers, was that your Paula Abduhl impression?

So again, it came down to Piers deciding between Melissa and Charles as to who gets to move on (with one vote each from Howie Mandel and Sharon Osbourne). Instead of choosing the act who has exhibited three separate and somewhat amazing juggling spectacles which looked very much like a Vegas act, he chose the one with very little experience and even less material.

Please, NBC, get this dufus off the show. Let him go back to CNN and his other show, where he exhibits that he's almost as bad an interviewer as he is a judge.

Sorry, Piers, but you know what they say: Judge not, lest ye be judged.

So, here's what I think you should do: Go to the NBC Wild Card page and click on Geechy Guy to return to the show. He has "so many jokes it's not even funny" and would bring actual comedy back to AGT.

Geechy Guy tells jokes. Piers Morgan is one.

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Thursday, June 23, 2011

Bad joke translations funnier than the jokes - really funny jokes

Sometimes the funniest things aren't intended to be funny. In this case, they're intended to be funny, yet they are mostly  funny in a totally different manner than intended.
As you may know, I have a number of web sites (Click On Comedy, Interactive Lunacy, Cell Phone Reality TV, Dirty Joke Show), most of them just an outlet for my desire to share the stupid shit I think of or discover. Okay, they are also a way to generate a little extra money with advertising revenue and additional comedy gigs.

So, as part of my webmaster duties, I research other websites (aka: competitors) to see how their sites are doing, how my relevant keywords compare to theirs and blah, blah, blah. On this occasion I was comparing other sites to a joke page I created which contained a few hand-picked jokes directly from "The Dirty Joke Show" starring Geechy Guy and appearing nightly at Hooters Casino in Las Vegas (plug, plug). 

While researching the keywords "funny jokes" I came across a web site that came up very high in the rankings even though the content didn't actually qualify as "really funny jokes."

I don't know any of this to be true, but I believe that the owner of this site is in another country, let's say Indonesia. And he/she has taken funny Indonesian jokes and translated them to English. These "really funny jokes" were then posted on their web site and promoted as a "really funny jokes" page. (Notice how I keep repeating "really funny jokes?" That's so when others are searching for "really funny jokes" they may find this blog page. I'm such a whore.)

Here are a few examples of the translated really funny jokes:

"A political man come in football final as a chief guest . when the match ends then he said i m really unhappy to see the situation both team players are running behind the one ball. give me votes i will give separate separate football to every one. Nice Best Funny Joke!"

"two friends met together first said: once a time a horrible accident was take place with me. lion was come in front of me and trying to eat me,
second friend : then what you do?
first friend: i will go to other side from the cage of lion.
Marvelous Best Funny Joke!"

"mother to son: son what happened?
son : nothing mom a little injury takes on my finger.
mother: then why you don’t weep?
son: i thought that you are not at home.
Nice Best Funny Joke!"

[NOTE: I actually understand this joke.]

"a elephant and mouse was best friends, one day mouse ask the age of elephant.
elephant replied: two years.
mouse: repeat the question.
elephant again replied two years then mouse said i m also of 2 years just i m not well due to illness.
Awesome Best Funny Joke"

"child to other:what can you like laughing or weeping .
2nd replied: weeping.
1st child : why?
2nd child: because my father can gave me money to stop crying.

Cant stop laughing, really good best Funny Joke!"

Oh please, stop. My sides. My sides.

Let me know if you want more funny translations of really nice best awesome marvelous funny jokes.


Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Cigar suggestions to celebrate the death of Osama bin Laden

I posted the question in one of the cigar forums, asking what cigars people were planning to smoke to celebrate the killing of Osama bin Laden.

Here are some of the suggestions, and some others I found:

Fighting Cock - No longer made.

Gurkha Assassin - Full bodied. Brazilian wrapper. Dominican binder. Nicaraguan filler.

Gurkha Special Ops - hand made in the Dominican Republic with a dark, oily wrapper

Exile - Created by Omar Ortez and handmade in Esteli, Nicaragua

Trinidad y CIA - Decent, cheap, medium-bodied Robusto with Honduran binder and Dominican, Honduran and Nicaraguan filler

Drew Estate Natural Dirt - You wouldn't think a stick called "Natural Dirt" would be sweet, but it is. Very.

Acid Nasty - Not a big fan. Kinda nasty if you ask me. Nicaraguan. Ecuador wrapper.

Any other suggestions?

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